New Zealand

So Dusty and I decide to go for a ride before my first day of work at the Pig & Whistle. Where should we go? How the hell do I know? Arrowtown was recommended to us and it was only about twenty minutes away. Perfect!!
So the typical South Island road takes us there. It meanders in a way that makes you think that it was designed for riding bikes. The pavement is so course that you can actually watch the tread wear down on you tires. The speed limits here stay the same for the most part no matter what the road types or shapes are. If it is a hairpin corner they will suggest a slower speed but by no means would they actually ask you to slow down by law. Ironically when you get out onto the open dessert like stretches that proceed you entrance into the mountains the speed doesn't change either. Painfully slow in those areas if you aren't severely braking the law. Getting sidetracked.
We arrive in Arrowtown. Dusty often misunderstands my mumbling and thinks that I am talking about Arabtown. I think that he is just a closet racist right winger that hears what he wants. In his defense, Arrowtown does have a Chinaman's settlement. We had to go see that. I mean, who can pass up a Chinaman's settlement. We ride through town in about four and one half seconds, pull into the historic Chinaman's settlement. After browsing for about two seconds we choose to stay in the saddle and without a word being said drive straight into the unmarked dirt roads that disappear into the woods. Before we know it we are darting in and out of a maze of dirt roads when it hits us. Our first river crossing.
It doesn't seem to look that bad. Maybe only a foot deep and 30 feet across. We have seen it done in photos and on film so we know that it is possible. I have to admit, it made my ass pucker but I was going to be damned if I was going to wimp out on it after Dusty dove in on his KLR. Well, here goes nothing.
Turns out that it is not that bad at all. I did have the bike tuned up to be carrying a large load which was a huge mistake. The back end was bouncing all over the place. The next couple got a bit more interesting, getting into crossings that dipped us almost all the way up to our knees. The water was coming up and over the front of the bike as I plowed through the stream. Not being prepared for this type of adventure I am of course in jeans and sneakers, now soaked through. We decided that the rest of the "River Road" (good name) would have to wait till another day as I did not want to miss my first day of work.
Since then, Dusty and I have both wandered off and found ourselves on seemingly harmless terrain when streams and sometimes wash outs suddenly appear in front of you. It keeps your knuckles white, your heart racing, and commands all of your attention but it is by far the best riding that I have ever done.

So, I have messed up the inspections of our motorcycles by having one of the hard cases locked. The Dept of Agriculture needed in to make sure that I was not bring over some critter that would destroy all of New Zealand. What is the most efficient way for me to make this 1/2 hour ride in a taxi. Rent a scooter.
Do I tell them where I am going? Hell no. I have to ride all the way out of Auckland to the surrounding areas of the airport. It is about 20 miles.
So I am truckin' along, trying to to get run over by every car on the road any time I hit an uphill section and bogged the bike down to about 20 miles and hour. Oh, and of course I have one of those extremely ridiculous helmets that makes you look like a penis from the shoulders up. Not something I need any more help with while riding this hog. Roads here will change dramatically in short distances. Changes like a 20 mph zone through residential neighborhoods to highway without a chance to get off. All of a sudden everyone is just going a lot faster, except of course me and my beast. That was cool. Rush hour in the largest city in New Zealand on a highway. My only saving grace was at one point hitting a downhill section where I got the steel horse up to about 70 mph. Now I have been over 130 mph on a bike before and that was no comparison to the fear that came with this adventure.
I eventually limped up the shoulder getting blasted with debris from trucks, got lost, and to top it all off had a wasp fly into my face and land on my sun glasses. Not know what has blinded my right eye I reached for the sleeping giant and that is where the fun truly began. He of course did not like me grabbing him (big enough to hold in three fingers). So it began stinging me. But not until it crawled under my glasses so it could get me in those tough leather areas, like both of my eye lids. It happened so fast I did not know what hit me but all of the time I am trying to stay upright on this stupid as scooter which is now swerving all over the place as I can not see out of either eye which are both spewing tears. He ended up getting me with one in the eyebrow, three in the upper eyelid, and two in the lower eyelid. Imagine your eyeball in a microwave, throbbing, about to explode like a gremlin. A few choice words were followed with the realization that had I gone the other way on this road, the correct way, I would have already been to the shipping office and none of this would have been an issue. My mood was becoming a bit volatile.
I arrive to find that Dusty's bike has broken from from his shit crate that they were expecting us to pay exorbitant amounts for. One handle bar was sticking out from the side and the whole bike was tilted over about 30 degrees from center. Mine was upright but of course they put side rails against the hard luggage, ripping through the paint and into the plastic core. To top it off the Dept of Agriculture had left and could not come back until the next day so I did not even have to come out there in the first place.
By the time I returned the scooter, iced my swollen eye, and drank about a third of a bottle of Vodka, Dusty showed up with the final blow. The invoice was about three times as much as we were quoted. I almost jumped off of the building.
I won't bore you with further details than than but it was a rough couple of days. Everything has worked out and we have traveled off on our bikes and have reached what is looking to be our home for the next 3-6 months. Though the scooter was an amazing experience, I mean, to have that power between your legs is, well its, Shit!! Glad to have my bike back. Now I can return to riding with an ear to ear grin all day. Our riding from Auckland to Queenstown was some of the best that I have ever done. The wasp, it was just a sign of what happens when you are doing something that you shouldn't be.

So there we are. Dusty has turned in for the night after a quick onslaught of Whiskey shots and beers. Dave, our English friend and I have decided that after three nights in the rainforest, we deserve a big night out. In walks twenty-seven single nurses. All men in the bar migrate towards the dancing flock and stare without a bit of shame. Dave begins talking to a couple and I come over and join in. We eventually leave the conversations for reasons that I don't currently remember but while at the bar remembered that I had asked them if the needed anything. So, twenty minutes later I deliver the cocktail and without saying more than your welcome, turn and walk away. The recipient came back to me to strike up a conversation that I was not really interested in having, only to be drug away by one of her collogues who continued to tell me that she was way to good for me. Crazy bitch doesn't know whom she's talking to right. So I turn back to my drink and continue the conversation of politics and world issues with Dave. The bartenders close up the bar and drag us to one down the street.
By now we are officially trashed and have made an agreement not to order any more shots. We each get a drink instead. We step outside, change that, I step outside; Dave is met in the doorway by a cute young lady that proceeds to jam her tongue down Dave's throat. Dave takes some interest to this proposition and lets her continue with her subtle communication, foreign relations if you will. While in mid kiss, a man in his mid-forties grabs the young girl by the arm, drags her across the street only to give her quite the verbal lashing while pointing his finger in her face the entire time. He comes back across the street to us and then with a big shit eating grin tells Dave that his "friend" likes him. "I think we were a bit past that point mate!" Dave replies. The smile leaves the strangers face, he then grabs the young girl by the arm again and drags her away, never to be seen again. Not really understanding more than what we have seen on TV about hookers, it was the only explanation we could come up with.
Enter Indian cab driver.
North on Victoria Street Please! -Bill
Where are you staying?- Cabby
Great question! -Dave
North on Victoria Street please! -Bill
Where are you staying? -Cabby
At the hostel! -Dave
Which one? -Cabby
Great question! -Bill
The one North on Victoria Street please! -Bill
The animal one! -Dave
Yeah, the animal one! -Bill

So we get dropped off at the gas station on the North end of Victoria street and decide we need a sandwich. With plenty of laughter the boy behind the counter looks up the hostels in the phone book to help us find the "animal one". I then have an epiphany.
It's just past Mills St. -Bill
That's the street light outside the shop -gas boy
Fantastic -Bill
(Enter Dave)
Come on Bill, we have a ride! -Dave
Great! -Bill
(Dave climbs into the car. As I peer into the vehicle, I see that the driver has seen me and she is the girl that I am not good enough for.)
No! No! No! Nooooooo! Get out! Get out! Get out!- yelled the driver
What the hell is happening? -Dave
The car proceeded to race away without even shutting the door like they were trying to escape a car jacking. We have not a clue as to why this girl that was hitting on me earlier had suddenly decided that I was her kryptonite. Luckily we were only about 100 meters from our beds. Dave however was a little pissed that i prevented him from riding home with a large group of beautiful nurses that he is convinced were going to do no other than invite him to a big nurse orgy. What can you do? Crazy Ass Kiwi's!

Normally I wouldn't recommend putting Coffee on pancakes, but in a pinch it works. – Dusty Calfee, CO

If you can't get your bike off of the center stand because of the load of crap you have on it, it's too much. –Bill Besher, CO

Less than 10 psi in you front tire of a heavily loaded bike is not a good idea at 90+ mph for 1200 miles. "It's supposed to be at 28, you're running at less than 10. One pothole or perhaps a bump and you would have been a gonner!" - triumph technician, SF,CA
- But it can be done!! – Bill

"You two like the same postcards? You're like, soul mates!" - Desk Clerk in Wyoming hotel speaking of her co-worker and me. - Bill

Don't smoke a cigarette while standing over the loading port of the diesel fuel tank at the gas station. Even in WY they don't like that. - Bill

12 hours and 700+ miles in one day my cause permanent nerve damage to your ass! - Dusty

SF does have men in a thong and chaps at the late nightclubs.

Drinking more than 12 Red Bulls in an evening my cause violent illness. Right Sino!!

Salt Lake City’s Great Salt Lake’s salty banks taste like salt. – Dusty

When your cooling fan shits the bed, you'll cover tollbooth workers in a cloud of acrid burning coolant. They still want your money.

Australians will believe that if you are from CO and have a scar, it is from a bear attack. – Dusty, Beachcomber Island Fiji

Drinking more than 20 bowls of Kava in one my cause sudden flashes of numbness throughout your mouth for weeks. – Bill, Beachcomber Island, Fiji

Starring at a setting sun through a sophisticated lens, no mater how beautiful will still cause blindness. – Bill, Manta Ray Island, Fiji

Mosquitoes in Fiji, although small, and nearly invisible to the naked eye (even John's) still bite.

They bite Bill more.

Shark's teeth appear larger at depth.

Pohms (Prisoner of Her Majesty's Service) are easily identified by a sunburn painful to the eye.

Apparently not all Dutch people wear wooden shoes.

A cell phone in the states is dirt-cheap.

Women find a dirty, smelly man unattractive.

A dirty, smelly man with a motorcycle is rugged and appealing.

"Kava makes a man strong - all night." – Mr. Cool

“You’re going for a hike in the rainforest? Why don’t you find a feral horse, it would be much easier than walking.” – girl behind desk at Hot Rock Hostel, Rotorua, NZ

“What does DC stand for?” – Crackhead
“District of Colombia.” – Bill
“What does BC stand for?” – Crackhead
“British Colombia.” - Bill
“Oh, I thought it was for before Christ. That is what they taught us in school.” - Crackhead